Go Time! (Almost)

Yesterday I had my nearly 38 week appointment. The little guy looked fine, passed his NST with a little help from the buzzer and did all the appropriate things as we watched him on ultrasound. My amniotic fluid level was, however, still a bit low, despite me drinking oh, I don't know, maybe 500 gallons of water since last Tuesday.

My doctor was unconcerned. "We can hardly call this 'low'," she said. "'Normal' is anything 9 or above, and you've been at 8.8 and 8.9 the past two weeks."

But she was forgetting two very important points. First, I am a lawyer by training, and second, I am very, very tired of being pregnant. I spent the next few minutes pleading my case. Then I spent the next few minutes after that throwing myself on her mercy. Ok, fine. I was begging. A little.

"Well," she said, "I suppose an argument COULD be made for bumping up the delivery based on the amniotic fluid. But it's a pretty weak argument . . . are you sure you don't want to be pregnant for another week and a half?"

Needless to say, I was sure. So in the end, we compromised. She suggested this coming Thursday, May 24, IF there was an opening available. If not, we'd stay on for June 1. She called scheduling. I held my breath. And yes -- there was an opening! So, THIS THURSDAY morning I will report to the hospital at 9:30 a.m. with the C-section scheduled for 12:00. Baby boy will be 38w1d old, which is 5 full weeks older than the twins were at birth, so we are hopeful (and prayerful!) that he will be just fine.

Now, of course, I am scared shitless and doubting my decision. Am I really ready for this? How on earth am I going to take care of three kids age 25 mos. and younger? What happens when G goes back to work? (He has two weeks off). I'd counted on his grandma (who is very young and spry, seriously!) being available, but she and her husband have a camping trip planned for the second week of June. That should've been fine, as G would've still been off then, but now his vacation is starting a full week early, so that's the week he will be going back. That didn't even cross my mind yesterday as I was in my get-this-baby-out-asap frenzy, but it's too late to do anything about it now. I mean, will I be physically able to do this alone by then? Last time, my C-section recovery was very fast and very smooth, but I didn't have any kids or any babies at home for the first four weeks afterward. Oh my. I think I may be starting to hyperventilate.

And I keep staring at P & E, tearing up, thinking about how these are the very last days of our life as a foursome. They've been such special, amazing years for me, yet P & E aren't even going to remember them. At just over two years old now, they won't ever recall a life with no baby brother tagging along behind them. It's just weird to think about.

I'm just so overwhelmed right now. So full of love and fear and excitement and worry and nostalgia and hope. And all that in with the crazy pg hormones at max capacity and, well, I'm a little bit of a basket case. A happy one, don't get me wrong. But a basket case all the same.