Life After the Second Line

Wednesday, November 29, 2006


First things first. As far as I know, there aren't any still-in-the-trenches infertiles who read this blog. But since there's no way to know who might happen by one day, let me give fair warning: if you are, in fact, still in IF hell, you should stop reading this post RIGHT NOW. Continuing to read will either make you sad or piss you off (and quite possibly both). So please, move along to one of the other lovely blogs out there and stop by to see me again some other day.

In fact, that may be good advice for anyone reading this post, currently IF or not. Because I'm warning you, this post is going to be chalk full of bitching and moaning and information no one really wants to hear.

Ok then. Back to my confession: I don't like being pregnant. Sometimes I even hate -- loathe -- being pregnant. Some women are such wonderful mothers to be. They feel great and they glow and are content with life as a whole. I am not one of them. I feel like shit. I've been vomiting nearly every day since about 6 1/2 weeks, and I'll be 13 weeks any day now, but it's still going strong. Yesterday I vomited so forcefully that it splashed back and hit me in the face. Three times. My legs and hips ache, I can't sleep even though I'm effing exhausted, my heart is constantly racing and pounding, and my skin is hideous. And then there's, er . . . the discharge. What is this shit and when will it go away? I was a master of analyzing cm in my actively ttc days, but I've never seen anything like this. I don't think it's an infection -- it's not oddly colored and doesn't have a particularly offensive odor -- but it is copious. My pregnancy books say oral sex is perfectly safe and wonderful when you're pregnant, but are you kidding me?? No way am I letting G's head anywhere in that vicinity while this is going on. Sorry for the TMI. But I did warn you.

And all that is just what's going on physically. My head is a mess, too. I worry all. the. time. About the baby, about my health, about caring for 3 such very young children, about money, about G & I, about global warming, about Iraq, about EVERYTHING. Granted, I am a worrier even at the best of the nonpregnant times, but it is so very magnified now. Especially since, having gone through a difficult pregnancy and preterm birth not even two years ago, I know firsthand exactly how much can go wrong, and how quickly.

Basically, this is a miserable time for me. I know, thanks to P & E, that it will all be well worth it in the end. A couple months after this one is born, I won't even remember most of this stuff. (I know this because I had nearly all of these same issues while pg the first time, but I'd blocked them all out and only now have they come rushing back to me). But that doesn't make it easy now. G is unsympathetic, for the most part. His take on the whole thing is, what are you complaining about? You wanted this. And he's right, to a point. I did/do want another baby. But does that mean I have to love all the not-so-wonderful stuff that comes along the way? And you know, it's easy for him to say anyway. He doesn't have to experience any of it. He just feels sorry for himself because the house isn't as tidy as he'd like it to be while I spend these days/weeks/months in a perpetual state of nausea and vomiting. Still, I do feel guilty. Horribly guilty. I'm pregnant, by surprise, the old fashioned way -- the infertile in me keeps telling me what a stupid, ungrateful bitch I am to complain for even one second.

Argh. I don't want to wish time away because I don't want P & E to grow up too quickly. But it's hard not to think ahead to next June, when all this will be behind me.


  • I have never understood that philosophy of if you have to work hard for something, you have to love every second of the hard work. No, you don't. Let me tell you, when D. was in the NICU, hooked up to tubes and crap, Mr. WG made a comment like, "I'm never going to complain when this baby cries." Even at that moment, even not knowing WHAT was wrong with our baby and IF we would take him home, I knew that was a lie, and I told him as much. And now that D. is 3, let me TELL you how much Mr WG complains when D. cries. You don't have to like being pregnant. You just have to love your baby. After you have it.

    By Blogger WriterGrrl, at 5:28 AM  

  • Amen to what WriterGrrl said.

    Okay, so you don't enjoy being pregnant. As you know, no one says you have to. Grateful, yes; enjoying it, no.

    As for the copious vomiting--any chance it could be HG? Could you ask your OB for a script maybe for phenergan (I think that's how it's spelled) or one of the other anti-emetic medications? Vomiting in general sucks. Vomiting while pregnant, I imagine, must suck exponentially more.

    Guilt over getting 'knocked up' the old-fashioned way? This too shall pass. Yep, I endured four years of infertility treatment, countless thousands of dollars spent, meds injected, and so on and, miracle of miracles, both my pgs happened the old-fashioned way. Blow me over with a feather. Throw that guilt away...let it go. It's not doing you any good and--hey, the plus side (at least in my mind) was that we saved a ton of money by it happening by way of some S-E-X. Who'd have known it was possible?

    Worries over the state of the world? Your children? Your relationship and more? As you said yourself, you had these same thoughts before so you know it's likely the pg hormones doing their thing.

    Not sleeping because of worries and thoughts and everything else? Yep, completely in the same boat on this end too. Nature's way is my guess...helps you prepare for what's to come again.

    Long story short...bitch away my friend. Just because you endured IF, IVF, preterm birth, etc., doesn't mean you don't have the right to vent. You earned it, heck, we all did. And that's what we're here for--to help each other along the way (among other things).

    (Congrats on 13 weeks--time flies, huh?)

    By Blogger Dee, at 6:16 AM  

  • P.S. So busy running my 'mouth' that I forgot to touch on the discharge issue :-) Um, okay, so I was going through two pairs of panties a day here. Yes, you're right. It's gross and wth is up with that? I started wearing pantyliners a couple of months ago and now can't imagine a day without them. And even though I don't have any infection, etc., I get them with a light scent 'cause I don't want to smell the slightly 'different' than normal discharge odor that I'm currently sporting from the baby's escape hatch. Yeah, to say I can't wait for this symptom of pg to be over is an understatement.

    By Blogger Dee, at 6:20 AM  

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